365 Alive: 2012

Day One, June 27th

Godspeed

Today is the day when we all set out on a pilgrimage to Wales to visit a true place of Pilgrimage--Bardsey Island. I have been waiting for this day for over a year and now that it is here I am a mixture of excitement, nerves, and a little remorse for the people I am leavening behind (namely, my daughter D. and my husband Ken). Yet, even the bittersweet mixture of this parting helps to connect me to what the ancient pilgrims who wandered this way must have felt--a mixture of hope and perhaps fear about what they were to learn about themselves and God combined with the heavy knowledge of all the responsibilities and people that they were leavening behind. Of course these feelings would have been intensified by the fact that they might be gone for years, rather than a matter of days and the road that they traveled would have been filled with even more uncertainties than ours will. They were confronted with plagues, robbers, weather, and a real chance of death. Certainly, those are all possibilities for us as well, but it is my hope that they are must more unlikely to befall us.

So, in preparation for this trip, I decided to prepare as a pilgrim would. I settled my debts by making sure my bills were paid. I fasted from sugar, processed food, bread, meats, dairy and pasta for 30 days. I packed as simply as I could to forgo many of the modern comforts of our time. I upped my time spent in prayer. Yet, perhaps the most important symbol of preparation and journey for me was the necklace and charms that were blessed for me by the Rev. Frank Allen, my boss, rector, and friend. Before I left, he kindly blessed the pilgrims sea shell charm and two little Celtic cross charms that match the St. David's cross that I shall wear throughout this journey. The second cross is for Delia to wear for protection and to have a link with myself and to serve as a reminder for her that God is always with her.

And of course, there was there packing! Oh the packing! This was perhaps one of the weirdest assortment of luggage that I have ever put together. I needed to bring very little items of clothing that could be layered and worn many times over, incense and a burner, charcoal, candles, a stole, some food, my yoga mat for exercise and meditation, prayer books and ancient Celtic liturgies, and water proof hiking boots. And it had to all fit in my hiking back back. It's like I am going liturgical backpacking.

Mostly, I am overwhelmed to think of what God will reveal to me on this trip. My prayers have been for deep wisdom and peace and for competency in the many callings he has given me--marriage, motherhood, priest and Christian. And now I am blessed and excited to add pilgrim to that list.

Day Two, June 28

USA to Manchester

Well, we have arrived in Manchester, and I think God is making me eat some of my words about not having it as ruff as the pilgrim mothers and fathers who have gone before me. We have already run into some problems.

The flight over was not bad, and we actually had a delightful chicken curry and rice dinner (Travel Fun Fact: did you know that your taste-buds change in their function at a certain altitude making it necessary to change the food you eat is seasoned? I didn't until today!). However, when we arrived in Manchester, after a connection in London, I found that they had left my bag in London. They told me that they would be sending it over to the hotel later, but when I checked the status online, it turned out that they were planning on sending back to America. This necessitated frantic phone call and a demand of a very high up front compensation packet to get my bag right on track. It arrived at the hotel hours later almost unscathed, save for the bottles of toiletries that had exploded inside.

Yet, I think that the spiritual learning for the day was how good it can be to live in community. For example, Bonnie, a fellow classmate, has helped to organize much of the travel pieces of this trip and has keep us going even when we wanted to sit down and sleep and inopportune times. I have seen the group already benefit from her travel wisdom and happy spirit. We also had a great night taking in the sights of Manchester--walking around Piccalilli square, seeing the beautiful Manchester Cathedral, and having an awesome dinner at the Wellington Inn which was built in the 1500's. Were it not for the group, I probably would have gone right to bed and missed the great city.

I was able to face-time chat with Ken and D. back home and that made such a huge difference to my soul. It seems that even my bedrock community back home is still with me as well--caring me through this tripe with love, prayers and support. Community with others is a true pilgrim gift.

Day Three- June, 29

Pictures thanks to Beth! View over looking the town of Aberdaron, Wales

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Today was a true traveling day. It started with many morning refreshments that I have already learned not to take for granted: cool, clean, and free water to drink, yoga, 10 hours sleep on a comfortable bed, and a warm shower. Perhaps that is another spiritual lesson: gratitude for the many blessings, big and small, that are around us every day.

From the hotel we traveled into Wales by no less than 3 trains. It was a beautiful ride filled with rolling hills, sheep, and lush green meadows. When we arrived, we meant with Greg who is our Welsh contact and he took us on a short hike to the grocery store. (Travel Fun Fact: In the grocery store, they had blue lighting over the stalls in the restroom to keep people from shooting up since it prevents them from being able to see their veins. I did not know that until today!--ok- that is more of a sad fact than a fun fact, but I do find cultural differences to be fascinating. ) Again, I was so amazed with my classmates since Beth had put together the list of all the food we would need and that was a huge undertaking.

Practicing chanting on the train

From there we drove by bus over an hour to Aberdaron and The Ship Hotel where we are lodging for the night. on the way we saw the Caernarvon Castle which was built in the 1500's and was the place where Prince Charles made his first speech as Prince of Wales. At the hotel, Beth and I have a great view of this little stone church and graveyard on one side and they the choppy ocean on the other. I hiked up the hill that the graveyard is housed on and had an amazing view of the church, hotel, and town. It was amazing, as was the meal of lamb bangers and mash that I followed it with.

The sad news of the day came when I spoke to my husband who told me that my father-in-law, Bill, has an MRI which reviled a mass growing on his brain. He was admitted into the hospital tonight and Ken is going to be with him tomorrow. While it is very hard for me to be here while that is happening in my family life, it was still a great blessing to be able to talk to Ken at all about it. Bill will certainly be added to my prayers while I am here. I was also grateful to be able to reach out to my friend and mentor, the Rev. Laura Howell who is herself a monastic and who is praying for me on this trip. She is the rector of my last charge, Trinity Episcopal Church in Bethlehem, PA and will go and see Bill tomorrow at the Leigh Valley Hospital. Again, the mark of the gift of community--both near and far--comes through as a spiritual learning today.

Day Four- June, 30

Hitching a ride in a trailer to get groceries

Not Quiet Getting There

Today was supposed to be the first day on Bardsey, but the wind and weather have prevented us from making it out there. Instead, we made out way to a hostel 3 miles out of town to establish our monastery. I have to admit, I am getting a little annoyed. In fact, I think I'll get my whining out of the way now.

I have to say, even with the beautiful two hour hike into the town today, I already feel very tiered and like I might like to go home. I am very soul wearied by all this and I greatly miss Ken and D. as I worry about Bill.

I hope to God we make it to Bardsey tomorrow.

(Travel Fun Fact: We click our glasses at the wine toast because sound is the only sense that we do not use in drinking of the wine--so that adds that in.)

Day 5-July 1

Ty Capel (the house) and the Chapel

Thar' She Blows!

We finally made it today! We woke up and took our last shower and last meal and then hiked several miles to the boating launch. As we waited for our boat, I hiked up to the top of the mountain and saw the end of the world. It was amazing and reminded me of the Cliffs of Moore in Ireland. It was such a beautiful day and it was just calm enough to sail out.

From there, we boarded out boat and traveled across with two people who where clearly experiences Bardsey travelers. As we started out, it was very ruff and it was so much fun! We were rolling and just crashing down all over. And then as we turned off the shore, the woman of the group told me that, "it was about to get a lot worse" since we were passing the head wall of the main land. Sure enough, it instantly got even choppier, but I found it exhilarating, except that I was soaked by the end.

As we reached the shore, we were greeted by a whole field of sheep that were somewhat wild. They still had tails for example. I which I could properly described how beautiful the island is. Our cottage is charming and there are stone walls and the most enchanting chapel. I am absolutely in love. It made me relies that we have been livening as pilgrims (seriously, we have been traveling for 5 days straight) and not monks.

I have been listening to what God is telling me in my actions this pilgrimage and I think I am learning I am careless--I can't remember or try to remember names very well, I lost my favorite t-shirt and jeans in a hotel, and I just stepped on a snail while washing clothes in freezing rain water. I am not careful-- and that, I am afraid can carry over into my relationships with myself, God and others. I need to ponder on this more.

Day Six- July 2

View from our threshold of the ocean

Settling In

I am a weird mixture of loving this place like a part of myself and wanting to be done with this at the same time. Last night I was enchanted by the rustic nature of this adventure and even have found the darkness and wetness of this place to be an avenue to the past. Somehow, it connects me to the people who lived here thousands of years ago.

I love the island, I love the buildings, I love the weather, but I which my family was here.

We had a Mass that included the Mass book being set on fire (luckily I was the acolyte and saw it immediately--I put it out in the aspergus water ;) followed by a very delicious meal. After that, I took a walk with Greg who was my "soul-friend" for the day following the pattern of the Celtic spirituality mindset. It was a very pleasant walk around the island to the lighthouse and the coast and a two hour hike in my book is always a good thing. Tomorrow I look for my thin place.

None of my clothes have dried yet :( but I do love this island.

Day Seven- July 3

Finally Finding a Rhythm

Today was definitely the best day so far. I think that we are all finally over our first and what felt like our second bout of jet-lag and now finally have an idea of just what our life together will be like in one place. Things like time and individual acts are all blending together into on communal motion.

We started with our normal pattern of waking up in the cold morning light and hastily get ready outside in Holy Silence until 7:00am Morning Prayer which I lead and Darryl played his hauntingly beautiful Native American flute for our meditation. From there, we had a breakfast of eggs and sausage and then I began the 3 hour long process of baking bread for the group. During the breakfast, we went over the community schedule for the day.

Bonnie (who is married to Darryl--the both of them are two of my most favorite people in the whole group, but I do have to say that watching them together and being so much in love really makes me miss Ken) helped me make the bread mix and then my job became continuing to beat it down and letting it rise. Then I made one large loaf and one little-bitty communion loaf and put it in the gas oven (maybe I forgot to mention this, but there is no electricity or running water which means all out water has to be boiled and filtered rain water.)

From there we were in Mass for about and hour and a half and during that time, I kept making sure that the bread was coming along and ducking out of the service to do it. After that, I put on my Abbess hat and listen to some concerns of the group.

The a little bit of down time before Noon Day prayers at 12:30. After that followed a delicious lunch of salad and bean-left over-potato soup and the bread I made (after it had FINALLY finished) we all sat and talked for a while. Joel made an interesting comment about the difference about thin places and thick places and that thin places are the ones where the rest of the world can melt a way. I am thinking about my own body as a temple of God and how perhaps people who are truly wise and holy are walking thin places. It also made me think about how when I am physically thick, I am not letting myself be a thin place because I am being a glutton and greedy.

Than Bonnie very kindly braided my hair and she and Darryl and I took off on a walk down to the little cafe/gift shop. I picture up a little wall woolen weaving of the island and two little sheep woven onto a piece of drift wood and has shell hanging on it for D. since she loves sheep. I also got two beautiful night-scape photos--one of the lighthouse and one of the Abbey ruins and large Celtic Cross with the stars moving across the sky in their patterns which were tracked with stop motion. The last thing I got was a little fudge cake to take on the rest of my walk.

My two companions and I parted ways, and I headed back to our house (Ty Chapel). On my way I enjoyed the misty weather, the sheep which roam ever where, and my fudge bar. I also stopped at the Observation Conservatory and cute gift shop where I learned a lot about the wildlife of the island. When I got home, I made a cup of tea and had a piece of the bread I had made with peanut butter and honey before starting dinner preparations.

David coking

David and I were the cooks tonight, and I decided to make roasted chicken and roasted root vegetable medley (my two specialties). As we cook, Joel read to us some sacred texts that he had based on Sufi legend. It was good stuff and what one might expect--you must dwell as one who has no ego, you must evaluate your fear but not be subject to it, etc. I thought it a kindness that he would read to us as we cooked and suspected that he very much enjoyed it.

Once the bird and veg was in the oven, I went out to the rock wall to sit and just look out over the old abbey complex and the ocean in the distance. The readings in the kitchen lead me to renew my belief that my biggest fear is not death--since Jesus took away that sting--but embarrassment. Both because of the inordinate value I place on the opinions of others, my own ego and pride, and my fragile self-esteem. Joel came up and we discussed the architecture and I asked him if I could be doing more as Abbess--I received the predictable answer of no feed-back, but no criticism.

Our outhouse in our beautiful garden

From there, we all gathered for Evening Prayer followed by a little more time for the diner to finish. David and I served the group wine and cheese which they really got into. In fact, the night got a little ruckus with Joel leading the revelry. The dinner was very good, if I do say so myself and David nicely remarked that the chicken had a wonderful taste unlike anything he had ever had. The conversation that followed was loud and full of laughter. I wonder if the food we serve and the parts of our self that get digested by others through the preparation and serving takes on the personality of the cook. I am Laughing Child after all, and there was alot of laughter tonight. ;)

Dinner was followed by my nightly ritual of brushing my face and washing my face and underwear outside (tonight in the rain). We then had Compline with affirmations. Then I hung my things in front of the heater to dry and stared typing this listening to the rain and the bawling of sheep outside my window.

It was a good mix of personal and communal time, but I am really starting to miss Ken and D. I almost started to cry tonight about it. Only a few more days which is both sad and joyful.

Day 8- July 4th

The little Chapel

God Bless the USA

ok- I am really missing home today. And it is late, and we still don't have the return trip ironed out yet. So, I am going to make this a quick entry.

Today, I lead Evening Prayer and made lunch for the group, and trained the acolyte, and read the lessons, etc. for my work. It was raining all morning, so we delayed out pilgrimage trip till tomorrow. Following lunch, I went for a hike out to the lighthouse and had a really cool experience on the way--I was singing the Magnificat while walking in a sheep pasture where a large group of about a dozen sheep started following me by the sea shore. They stopped when I stopped and waited for me to get going again. They only stopped when I went through a gate. It made me think about God as a shepherd and being a leader of his flock. I noted that I have had less sinful or even secular thoughts since I have been here. It has been a blessing to be thinking mostly about God and the people in my life.

Suddenly, on my walk home, I realized that I was seeing my shadow for the first time in days! The sun was out and it was so warm and rejuvenating. By the I got back to the house (which was blessedly empty for the first time since our arrival) it was down right toasty. I sat on the stone wall looking over the old abby tower ruins and the Celtic crosses and the ocean and felt like I was in Maine or the fields behind my childhood house.

But before I did get back there, I stopped at the Hermitage House and found this enchanting little Oro Prayer room which was just so beautiful. It was full of icons and triptychs and had a lovely hanging basket filled with stones with prayer requests written on them. I took three stones: One was for the Rainings, one for the Dowlings, one for Ken's family, and one for all the clergy in my life. It was so peaceful, it made me a little dizzy. I longed to hear God's voice in some kind of grand revelation as I have since I even being this trip. I did not receive that gift, but at least I felt some peace.

But now I miss home and my family. I keel looking at the few pictures I have on this ipad that D. took and pine for them.

Day 9- July 5th

Me at my thin place- the well

Thin Places

Today started out in a very frustrating way--we found out that we were probably not going to be able to make it to the main land on Friday as we had hoped so that we can be sure to make our flight in Manchester. The group has been very anxious about it and had worked out that we would go back on Friday with all the people who would need to agree: our group, the boat captain, the island guy, the barracks were reserved, etc. But then we heard from the island care-keeper that the captain said that he didn't want to do it on Friday and wanted us to wait till Saturday which would make the traveling very tight. Frustrating, but we simply wanted to know if that were the case since we had heard it from someone else.

So, I was pissed for the morning but used the opportunity to take Joel's advice and to look at my fear (which is what I have been doing this whole trip) and I still think it is embarrassment that I fear the most. However, I am also looking at the other side of fear--the side that can keep a person alive and safe in situations of the unknown. Or the side that can show a healthy respect for God. After all, "The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom" as the Psalmist says. But the point is well taken that it is the beginning of wisdom--an entry point. And wisdom is what I am always asking God for. So, indeed, examining my fear is a good step closer to that.

The rest of the day picked up when we went on our pilgrimage to the individual thin places that we had found on the island. First, I lead the Pilgrim liturgy and blessed everyone tokens of pilgrimage (many of them used the mustard seed coins that Frank had given to me to give to them).

The first thin place was Beth's who took us to a gate that over looked as sheep pasture and the ocean and was situated on an ancient wall. She reminded us that God has give all of this and that he is the Good Shepard and the gate for the sheep.

Second and third were Bonnie and Darryl's who took us down near the seashore. Bonnie took us to this beach that had a ton of sunning seals singing and reminded us that God had formed the creation and all that was in the sea and that creation was still singing forth it's praise. Darryl's was a flowing meadow sea that reminded him of how God is a wellspring. He comes to a place like this daily and singes a psalm and symbolically gathers the waters and holds them close before giving them to God to receive healing. We all did it and it was indeed restorative.

On to Greg's which was this amazing little hut on the other-side of the island on the rock coast that he and I have visited several days ago. He talked about the way we chose to live in shelters and stay somewhat protective and numb. Or we live as though we were caught in the deep clashing currants of the sea that was before us. But God calls us to come forth from those places and to know him and serve him and he will be with us.

Next was to David Collins who took us to a rock cove that he was lead to by a ewe and her lamb. For him, it was perfect--it was sheltered and protective, but you could still see the main land (life) and have a good perspective on it. It reminded him on Luther's "A mighty Fortress" hymn which he sang for us as a reminder that we will never have God taken from us.

Then we climbed up the mountain to my thin place which was almost as high as you could go. From there were could see almost the whole island. I was first pulled in by the majesty of the mountain and the sea as powerful images of God's mighty power. But then I found a sacred well in the rock--just a little moon pool. I had put a little rock into it to see how deep it was, but it was way to deep to see where it went. Even with a stick, it was seemly bottomless. It struck me that this was like Christ's incarnation--the co mingling of human and God as the co mingling of the mountain and sea. The infinite in the finite. The Macro in the micro. And that the incarnation is the symbol of just how deep God's love for us is, deeper than we can ever imagine.

Finally, we made it all the way to the top of the mountain and we say what the Roman called "the end of the world." It was simply majestic and yet peaceful at the same time. It truly was a thin place. I loved it at truly saw that God does not chose to separate himself from us. He is every where. All of creation is thin.

Clearly this was the best day yet.

Here are all of us showing our spots with thanks to Dr. Joel Mason:

Day 10- July 6th

(Below is the first part of the Mass that we did every day. This one has me as the celebrant and Beth preaching- again thanks to Joel! Enjoy my running tights ;)

As the community dies

I know that subtitle sounds macabre, but this is truly the last day that this community is in life--as Joel put it, "we are now an elderly community."

So, as we prepare for death, we are all slowing down and seem very tired. To add to that feeling, the rain has returned in full force and brought along it's friend the wind. However, I do love the rain ;). Today was my day to finally lead the Eucharist and I did love it. There truly is nothing like celebrating at the altar and being that close to Holy things.

In the ancient liturgy, the Service of the Word and the Service of the Table are co-mingeled throughout the whole service. The stack with the chalice and patten and the vestiture/veil are always present and get reviled and un-viled over and over again. As weird as that seemed to me, it gave me the impression that they are intertwined and that life constantly veils and they tears away the veil of revelation. But, WE constantly keep adding things to the incarnation and revelation like we do the Body and Blood in the service. We try to make things pure and clean (like the purificator) but sometime revelation and God's call is messy. We try to hide death and fear (like the pall which goes on the chalice and our coffins) even though Christ has taken away the fear of death as we need to face our fears. We try to keep our eyes from seeing truth by putting beautiful veils (like the veil) over God which distracts us from it. We try to add order to a chaotic world (like the burse with its extra purificator) to try and feel in control. All is vanity when all God wants is to revile himself to us.

I have loved this trip. Thank you, God.

Day 11- July 7th

Dove Article- Adventures in Fearlessness #1: The Pilgrim's Path

St. David's is venturing into dangerous waters this year--we are tackling our unknowns by choosing the theme "Fearless" that will guide our programatical year. With this theme we will have a host of sermons, classes and other offerings to help us invite God into those places of our souls and consciousness where we dare not enter alone. In addition to this, I am going to be offering a series of articles called "Adventures in Fearlessness" that will look at spiritual practices which allow the Holy Spirit to draw us deeper into God's peace so that we can beginning to accept his command to, "fear not."

To do this, I will be putting my own faith and fears to the surface and trying out some spiritual practices--both ancient and new--as an invitation to join me in this crazy thing we call faith.

In this first edition of "Adventures in Fearlessness," we will be exploring the ancient practice of pilgrimage. It is a spiritual phenomenon that is seemingly held common in all religions that certain places in the world are considered to be what the Celtics call "thin places"--areas where the veil between heaven and earth seems to be so thin that the Holy is experienced in very intense way. People travel all over the world to visit these holy sites and experience the healing and clarity that can be found there.

I was blessed this July to go on a pilgrimage of my own to one of these thin places: Bardsey Island in Wales which is also know as "The Isle of 20,000 Saints." It was on this island that St. Cadfin established his Celtic Monastery in 512ad and my classmates and I were going to recreate that life for our Doctoral program.

These preparations certainly helped to deepen the time that I spend on Bardsey (which I will write about in another article since I certainly faced some fears there), but a great deal of the learning came from the constant traveling that we did on this journey since a pilgrim is concerned less with the destination and more with the actually journey.

For example, we crossed one of the most dangerous stretches of water in the world to get to the Island and the perilous trip (and watching one of my fellow passengers almost fall over board) reminded me that pilgrimage is all about preparing to face one of the most common fears of all: death. The fear of death in all its form (death of life, death of relationships, death of freedom, etc.) makes us prisoners of inaction. Jesus came to take away the fear of death by dying for us and raising to new life again and winning for us the victory over death. When we let ourselves be caught up by that fear, we are choosing to stay in our tombs, we are actually choosing death over life.

So, we made the choice that pilgrims have made for countless generations--we chose to get into that boat, to sail over our fears and make it to the thin place where a new revelation awaited us. We did it with prayer and preparation and faith in a God that will calm the seas and storms of our lives. And in answering that call, I made it to the island and did indeed experience God in a new way which transformed me.

I am so grateful that I followed God and those pilgrims who have gone before because if I had not faced the fear of the unknown and that possibility of death that every pilgrim faces, I would not have tasted the life that was waiting on the other side of fear. It truly was an adventure in faithful fearlessness.

How to try it yourself: Pilgrimage is a costly endeavor-- it can take time, money, and personal sacrifice. In the middle ages (a time that saw a huge increases in pilgrimages), people who could not make a pilgrimage, would engage in the spiritual practice of walking a labyrinth to mirror the journey that a pilgrim takes to follow God. Go on your own pilgrimage and walk the St. David's Labyrinth. Make preparations before your to by deciding what you need to let go of before you can take those steps toward Jesus' invitation to new life. As yourself: "What kinds of death am I afraid of? What tombs are I trapped in?" As you take each step, thinking about where God is calling you on your life long pilgrimage.